A composer's struggle through lockdown
Author: Blogger in Residence, Rory Johnston
It is now week 8 of the country-wide lockdown to combat coronavirus. What first may have been an opportunity to invest in new activities and self-improvement may now, for many of you, be starting to wear. The obvious tragedy that is unfolding within this country and the world goes without saying, and you have my deepest sympathies if this has affected you personally. The loss of livelihood and the decimation of the music industry within the space of a month is also truly worrying and saddening.
But it is not all doom and gloom, many people have been finding solace in the creation of, and participation in, music of all kinds. From multi-track solo recordings, to virtual choirs and orchestras, the country is buzzing with creative energy and music is one of the main sources of refuge. I personally have been running Zoom rehearsals for two choirs that I am musical director of and, while not ideal, it certainly scratches that choral itch.
For many composers, especially those without children, this abundance of free time has led to thoughts of big projects and prolific chapters in their compositional careers. I definitely had dreams of grandeur when starting this lockdown, my aim was to write as much as possible, and, with a big commission being asked of me just before it commenced, I had plenty to get stuck in to.
That was on the 23rd of March and how many bars of music have I written…? 0. Zilch. Nada.
My wide-open plains of possibility have turned into a perpetual desert of disenchantment and I cannot seem to write. The prospect of being productive has not come to fruition and I am left pretty bored, sad and uninspired about it all. Of what will be a ten-minute piece of music, I have only had the inspiration to formulate a draft of the text… in eight weeks. And not only eight weeks, but eight weeks of mostly free time.
I imagine that, like me, many of you may be suffering from a lack of creativity and if you are I hope you wont be too hard on yourself about it. For those who have managed to be productive and creative I congratulate you and wish you all the best, but for those like me I just want to say a few things.
As the weeks were going by I started to get more frustrated with my lack of creativity and inspiration, leading to a sense that I was both wasting my time and failing to apply myself with enough rigour. There is, and was, a lot of content on the internet claiming that now was/is the time to be your best self and be as productive as possible, and while I can see the legitimacy of that viewpoint I also think that it wildly underestimates the subconscious trauma of the current global situation.
The uncertainty, insecurity and general tragedy that envelops the nation is not something to be taken lightly. Even if, like me, the pandemic has not affected you directly, there are still many things that will be playing on your mind, be it worries about work, other friends and family’s safety, or general depression and monotony, all can cause a lot of subconscious pain and stress.
My reason for pointing this out is that I have and am still in this rut, and I think it’s important to realise how big this moment in time is. Even if you aren’t ill or dying, you still have the right to feel overwhelmed by the situation and I don’t think it’s anything to be ashamed of. Allowing yourself to acknowledge how much this lockdown has affected you (but not succumbing to it) is an important step in finding a way to manage day to day. It is completely understandable that you do not necessarily have any creative energy at this point in time (I am certainly struggling to find it) - the important thing isn’t coming out of lockdown with twenty pieces to add to your opus, but instead to come out the other end without having to pick up too many shards of your broken humanity.
Lockdown is hard, not easy, and figuring out ways to cope are vital. With my composition hat on, I’ve allowed myself the relief of not trying to invent the wheel, and instead indulge in writing simple cheesy pop arrangements for one of my choirs – nothing special but something to brighten mine and others’ days. I think it’s important that we search out the small joys and to try to find the little things that initially inspired us in what we do as those are the key to relighting the fire in our creative soul.
Stay safe and keep pushing on.
Written by Rory Johnston